Wednesday, July 20, 2005

From then on…

I try to forget you but still you make yourself known too many times everyday and last night I dreamt that I saw you and I pulled my sometimes usual routine of saying hello and that was all. This customary resistance began eating me from the inside out until I my skin began to crawl with the flesh eating emotional sickness I was suffering from, so I subsequently gave in and dedicated myself to you for the night to avoid emotional death and to finally breathe again. I suddenly saw and heard nothing else but you. Everything was hectic around us, yet all was silent except for your soothing voice flowing insight with a perfect rhythm. You became a slow glowing warm and happy sunshine apparatus, lighting this otherwise dreadfully dark night and we were thus content. The dream world had a look that we together created. The smoke rising from the hands of the surrounding demons. The kitchen glowing with unnaturally white light and the energy of haste and escapism, but you glowed separately. You glowed steady and warm blue and I was enamored by your brilliance. The night and our movements proceeded to become exceedingly sporadic and we kept pursuing each other back and forth from place to thoughtful place. The most vivid moment came when we were in a kitchen connected to a living room in line with a hall leading to multiple bedrooms. It was a proportionally unrealistic linear house. We were at the edge of it because it was quite unfamiliar and we seemed afraid of being swallowed up by the foreboding that seemed to insidiously stalk within. All of a sudden a participant missing a face offered us a thimble of what he suggested was merely a type of "azucar". He hinted at the impending consequences of ingesting the sweetness, but you nevertheless and without hesitation glanced at me and then suddenly threw it back down your throat. I was then instantly full of deep fear and cold sweats and then the instant you tipped it back my fear manifested itself within you. You began turning an intoxicatingly purplish blue all over. Your primary veins first surfaced above the skin and then your arteries began pulsing and glowing with overly oxygenated bright red blood. This liquid life then became one in the same and sporadically flashed from blue and bulging to red and pulsating as you gasped for one last breath of air. After a minute that lasted a day, you couldn't withstand the agony anymore and fell to the floor, breathless. I didn't know what to do and I was overwhelmed with intense love and fear both intensifying the other. I scrambled for someone/ anyone to help. The only other being around this display of longing that would interact with us, despite the outlandish party around us, was no-face and he became your puppet master on the verge of life and death and I was imminently and endlessly separated from you, dimensionally speaking, or so I believed. Then, suddenly, we jumped to another time, perhaps our parallel/perpendicular universe that we’ve four dimensionally painted through the years of colorful abstraction, and we were reunited in extreme happiness and overwhelming love in an infinitely long van and we were driving to “now” and I slept ever so lightly on your lap. I was again in the womb and then in the backwardness of it all I realized I was loving only in a dream and I tried forever to wish it would never end and then I woke up ailing and once again slowly dying.

From then on…
I want only to exist as an idea. An idea inextricably linked to the brilliance of the idea of her and her alone.


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